When Rachel Berry becomes Rachel The Baby
by ThePeetaBread
Summary: All Brittany wanted for Christmas was a baby. The closest Santana could come was none other than Rachel Berry. Faberry & Brittana


**Title:** When Rachel Berry becomes Rachel The Baby  
**Word Count:** 2,035  
**Rating: ** PG  
**Summary: **All Brittany wanted for Christmas was a baby. The closest Santana could come was none other than Rachel Berry.  
**Pairing:** Quinn/Rachel, Brittany/Santana  
**A/N:** I don't even know where this came from. Kind of cracky. And because I like to live in my own little world, 'Bartie', 'Quam' and 'Finchel' are all non-existent.

* * *

"Santana! Not only is this extremely strange and almost perverted, it is also extremely degrading and—"

"Shut it Berry!" Santana snapped, "This is the only thing Brittany wanted for Christmas and what Brittany wants, Brittany _gets_!"

"Santana, I'm sure I didn't fail to mention that I possess a rape whistle, and if this is some repugnant sexual fantasy of Brittany's that you feel inclined to fulfil, I can assure you I will take no part in it!"

Santana pulled away from the task at hand long enough to scrunch her face in disgust. "Gross, Berry. I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot long pole"

"That's strange" Rachel commented wryly, "You seem to be touching me now"

"You know what I meant!" Santana blew at her, "And the only reason I'm touching you, is because your stupid head's too big to keep this damn hat on"

"My head is no bigger than the average American female" Rachel defended, looking mildly insulted. "And the correct term for that particular item is a 'bonnet', and the reason it won't fit is because it is meant for babies"

"Is says 'one size fits all'!" Santana shoved the bonnet into Rachel's face.

"It's for babies" Rachel repeated impatiently, "And I am still very alarmed as to why you're trying to put it on me"

Santana huffed, sitting herself down on the couch arm opposite the desk chair Rachel was on. "Look, Brittany wants a baby for Christmas, okay? And, I can't just magically conjure up a baby and you're the smallest person at our school, besides, you pretty much dress like a toddler anyway"

She decided to ignore Rachel's apparent disbelief, and looked over to the window of her father's study. "Plus, babies are grosser than you. They spit up on you and shit"

"Santana! You kidnapped me and manhandled me here so you could play 'baby' with Brittany?"

"Whoa, whoa! I did not kidnap you"

"You jumped out from the bushes and put a paper bag over my head!"

"Because I didn't want to be seen with you!"

Rachel breathed heavily, glaring at Santana with a mix of frustration and anger. Santana held her gaze stubbornly.

"At least untie my hands"

"What," Santana scoffed, "So you can go all midget ninja on me? No thanks"

"Santana!" Rachel said exasperated.

"Just relax! All you have to do is just sit there and try not to be yourself. Think of it as an acting exercise"

Rachel stared at her, then suddenly, without warning, her eyes were wide and her mouth was open, and Santana leapt up to cover her screams.

"HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME! I HAVE BEEN TAKEN CAPTIVE BY A VIOLENT AND MERCILESS DELINQUENT WHO INTENDS TO USE MY BODY TO FULFIL HER GIRLFRIENDS PERVERTED INFANTALISM FANTASIES! SHE'S EVEN GOT ME WEARI—"

"SHUT UP!" Santana yelled, slamming her palm over Rachel's mouth. Rachel squealed and struggled against her palm, her bound hands flinging back and forth against the back of the chair.

"Gross, Berry!" She yelled disgusted, as Rachel's tongue swiped over her hand. As Santana pulled away, Rachel screamed again, using her legs to keep Santana at bay.

"−A BRIGHT BLUE BONNET WITH BABY DUCKS ON IT! SOMEBODY PLEASE! SAVE ME FROM THIS CRUEL AND ABHORRENT TORTURE! HELP! HEELLPP!"

"BERRY!" Santana wrestled Rachel to the floor, as Rachel's screams continued. "SHUT THE HELL UP"

Reaching out for the edge of Rachel's owl sweater, she tugged at a loose string threateningly. "I will ruin it!" She hissed, giving it another tug for good measure. Rachel whimpered, her eyes fixed on her dear sweater. Stilling, she relaxed, letting her body lay on the floor, her eyes still fixed on the loose string in terror. "Please don't. Quinn bought me this sweater"

Santana wrinkled her nose in disgust, her fingers tightening around the little red piece of string. "Why the hell would Q buy you this?"

"It was a symbol of her love and acceptance for all that I am and will always be" Rachel sniffled. "It was a very moving gesture"

Santana rolled her eyes. "Please stop before I vomit"

"You asked" Rachel fired defiantly, tugging the string loose from Santana's fingers. "And I'm still not doing this"

Santana ground her teeth in frustration, eyeing the sweater as an idea popped into her head. "I'll be nice to Q"

"What?" Rachel's eyebrows creased in confusion.

Santana sighed, "If you do this for me then… I'll be nice to Q"

Rachel eyes her suspiciously, "How do you mean 'nice'?"

"I'll stop calling her 'tubbers' and… hiding her clothes after practice—"

"That was you?"

"Berry" Santana growled frustrated, "Do we have a deal or not?"

Rachel thought for a minute before nodding her head slowly. "But just to be clear, I'm doing this for Quinn, not you"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever" Santana waved off, standing up.

"Does this mean you'll untie me?" Rachel asked hopefully as Santana pulled her up by her arm.

"Fine" Santana agreed gruffly, "But if you try anything, I'll put itching powder in Q's underpants the next time I steal her clothes"

"I won't" Rachel said quickly. Santana pulled the ropes off Rachel's wrists with a flick and Rachel moaned appreciatively, "You didn't have to tie them so tight" She said rubbing the red circles around her tiny wrists.

"Yeah, well, I don't like you" Santana dismissed with a wave of her hand. "Now, c'mere and put this damn hat on"

She waited until Rachel corrected her with 'bonnet' before giving her the light whack she had been dying to give all afternoon.

The slamming on Santana's front door indicated Brittany's arrival, and Rachel sat disgruntled on the couch, her hair on a bun on top of her head covered by the all-too-small bonnet which Santana insisted had to much the little bib which was tied firmly around her neck.

"Here, take this" Santana whispered, shoving a light blue pacifier into her hand. Rachel looked up at her, "You've got to be kidding me"

"C'mon," Santana urged as footsteps up the stairs got louder, "Do it for Q"

Rachel glared at her before submitting with a sigh, and putting the pacifier in her mouth. Her face twisted suddenly. "… when was this last washed? It's so dusty"

"It used to be mine" Santana said, "Now, shut up and act like a baby"

"San?" Brittany called out and Santana jumped nervously, looking down at Rachel.

"In here, B!"

The door swung open to reveal Brittany in her cheerios uniform, her hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. A dim smile lit her face as she saw Rachel. "San…?"

"I know you wanted a baby" Santana started, and Rachel looked up to see her ringing her hands nervously. "And… I can't give you a baby right now Britt… but I can give you this. I mean… Berry's small and she's… well, she's your baby for the afternoon. Merry Christmas B"

Brittany stared at Santana for a moment, before breaking into a smile that almost split off her face. "You did this for me?" She asked stepping forward to hold Santana's forearms. "That's so sweet"

Santana blushed and Rachel raised her eyebrows. Since when did Santana Lopez blush?

Moving away from Santana, Rachel stiffened as Brittany sat down next to her, and wrapped an arm around her. Santana glared at her and Rachel reluctantly rested her head on Brittany's shoulder.

"Don't worry Britt" Santana said, "Our real babies will be way cuter than Berry. I promise"

It was Rachel's turn to glare. Brittany touched her hand to Rachel's bonnet. "Rachel is cute" She smiled. "But what will Quinn say?"

"Quinn's not gonna find out B" Santana said, looking at Rachel to confirm it. Rachel nodded slightly. "You can't tell her, okay?"

"B-but she's already here" Brittany said, her eyes wide. "She couldn't find Rachel after school and she was worried so I said I'd help look for her"

Santana frowned, groaning. "Damn it!"

There was a loud 'pop' as the pacifier slipped out of Rachel's mouth. Her eyes shining and joyful, she looked up at Brittany, "Really? She was worried about me?"

"Urghh, shut it Berry" Santana snapped. "You need to hide, right now!"

They froze as a click on the door and a lone voice filled the room, "Hey Britt, I called Rachel again but—"

Quinn stopped mid-sentence, her mouth open and her eyebrows were suspended in the middle of her forehead. If it were any other instance, Santana would probably laugh at how ridiculous she looked. She decided that it was probably not the most appropriate time for teasing. Especially when she was standing next to an overgrown baby.

Quinn blinked. Then again.

What. The. Eff.

She really hoped she was dreaming, because the only thing worse than your girlfriend dressing up like a baby, was having your girlfriend dress up like a baby in the presence of the two most promiscuous girls she'd ever known. Who did all kinds of weird kinky crap.

She opened her mouth to speak and then contorted her face as she realized she had nothing to say to this. Whatever this was. Quinn watched as a pacifier dropped from Rachel's hand to the floor and, oh my god, she was wearing a bib.

"Quinn!" Rachel squeaked, ripping the bonnet off her head. "I can explain"

Quinn remained motionless as Rachel babbled on.

"See, Brittany wanted a baby for Christmas but Santana couldn't get one, so basically she kidnapped me—"

"Whoa, wait" Quinn interrupted, finally finding her voice, "Santana kidnapped you?"

"Minor detail" Santana said hastily, "Point is, Berry here helped me out with Britt's Christmas gift by pretending to be a baby for the afternoon"

Quinn blinked again, her head starting to hurt. "This is just too weird" She said, grasping onto the door handle for support.

"Baby, I know it's strange" Rachel said, moving forward to take Quinn into her arms. "But… it made her happy. You should have seen the look on her face… it was… magical"

Quinn looked over at Brittany doubtfully. Brittany smiled brightly in reassurance. Quinn shrugged. "Okay… well, whatever I guess"

"Great" Santana clapped her hands together. "Now Berry, put your bonnet back on. You owe Britt an afternoon"

"No" Brittany said suddenly, looking over at Santana, "It's okay. I'd rather spend the afternoon with my real baby"

Santana frowned. "B, you don't have a real baby. That's why I hired Berry"

"More like black-mailed" Rachel mumbled into Quinn's neck. Santana shot her a look only to meet Quinn's equally fierce one.

"Yes I do" Brittany said, "You're my baby San. My real baby"

Rachel cooed quietly while Santana smiled, a blush tinting her tan cheeks.

"That's why I call you baby" Brittany continued, "Because you are my baby. And I'm yours"

Brittany kissed her, slowly and softly and Rachel smiled. "They're sweet" She stood on her tip-toes and pressed her cheek against Quinn's. "We're sweeter" Quinn mumbled defiantly.

"Okay, get lost losers" Santana drawled, "Me and my baby need some alone time"

Rachel slipped her hand into Quinn's, smiling lightly at Brittany. "Shut the door on your way out tubbers!"

Rachel's head snapped back, glaring at Santana. Santana sighed. "Fine. Um, shut the door… Quinn"

Quinn looked surprised and Rachel smiled in satisfaction. "Good day to both of you"

Shutting the door behind her, Rachel turned to see Quinn's smirking face. "Who says 'good day' anymore?" Quinn snickered.

Rachel swatted her. "Don't make fun of me" She pouted.

"Mmm, okay" Quinn grinned, "Sorry_ baby_"

"Don't tease!"

"Okay _baby_"

"Quinn!"

"I think it's nap-time _baby_"

"Quinn Fabray!"

"Yes, _baby-baby_?"

"I am no longer speaking to you"

"Hey, _baby_, where's your cute little hat?"

"It's a **bonnet** Quinn!"


End file.
